took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
