She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
