I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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