my being single is dangerous.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
