i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You are the jesus of drinking
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
