I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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