His hands were made for my vagina.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
