There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
