you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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