The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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