Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
