Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
