I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
