Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize