Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
