life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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