My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
