I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
