Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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