did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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