Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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