I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
