if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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