I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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