she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
