Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
