remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
