We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn