his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
