and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
