pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
