I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
