With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
