Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
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