Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she told me i tasted like america
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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