yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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