Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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