I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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