I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need to calm my uterus...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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