Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
