i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would fuck him just for his dog
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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