if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
