If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize