btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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