she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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