I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
