Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
