I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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