you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
