I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
