Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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