We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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