it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
