She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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