apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
