I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
